IF AGONY AUNTS WERE POETS

​

Dear...

"Never date a self-centred man
There'd three in the relationship before it began
Buy him a mirror so he can preen himself all day
Wish them a fond farewell then send both on their way"

"Don't cry over a selfish guy,
He wants his fingers in every pie
Including yours and your best friend's
Tell him that this is where his dining ends..."

"Never date an ugly man
Unless he drives a big white van
They have their uses every day
The vans I mean, obviously..."

"Never date a cultured man
He'll be highly strung and not a fan
Of Corrie, EastEnders or Emmy Farm
Within a week you'll do him harm"

"Never date a clumsy chap
Unless of course you're called MissHap
MissHandle, MissPlace or MissLed
I dread to think what he'd be like in bed"

"Never go out with an intense fella
Profundity has its charms but it's not a great seller
You'll never feel comfortable and never socialise
As long as he's watching you with his madly staring eyes"

"Please try to resist an angry man
Who rants at you like a rabid black and tan
Such sway and charm you must resist
Firmly tell him he must leave and,

Sweetly state he won't be missed"

"Steer away from any man
Who gets his tan from a can
Unless that can is really Cannes
Aboard his giant catamaran"

"Never under any circumstances, consider a  man
Who thinks haute cuisine is an egg and spinach flan
You'll do him a favour and time you'll save
By ditching him and his microwave"

"Don't entertain a travelling man
He'll talk all day about Japan

Iran, Hindustan or Yucatan
Indeed, any place that can rhyme with 'an'
His favourite place is naturally the Isle of Man..."

"And never, ever, entertain a poet!
They write silly rhymes don't you know it?"

S. Evans